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I read a post addressed to abusive men. The overall message was that while this man is behaving badly towards a woman, there is another man ready and willing to be good to her. It gave several examples of poor, disrespectful, degrading behavior abusive men have towards their mates and rebutted those examples with loving, respectful, and honoring deeds another man is ready and willing to provide for the same woman.
Yes, I get it. It was creative and encouraging. At the same time, I walked away concerned that the take-a-way may be that a “good man” is the answer to this woman’s problems.
If a woman is in an abusive relationship—emotionally or physically abusive; or unhealthy, unproductive, and toxic in any way—a “good man” is not the answer. As a matter of fact, the pursuit of a “good man” may very well be a part of the problem!
I have met several women who believe that if they only had a “good man” in their lives, they would be better off. The truth is, although being in a relationship has its perks, one thing it cannot do is complete you. Looking to be in a relationship with a loving, respectful, responsible, and kind man is absolutely wonderful and fine. Let’s not confuse that with looking to be fixed, validated, or healed by this relationship. When we place that responsibility on a man, he is going to fail every single time, whether he is abusive in any way or great in all ways imaginable!
The role of a good man in a courtship is to do life with you, not to be your lifeline. That is God’s role. It is only through His love that we are made whole!
If you or a loved one is caught up in a relationship that is in anyway a danger to your mind, body, or soul, by all means, seek help. The type of help may vary based on your individual circumstances. But, rest assured that a different tie to a different guy is not the answer! Any help you seek and accept must be rooted in a pursuit of Christ’s saving grace. A ring won’t fix you, but a King will. The King of Kings, that is! Matthew 6:33* says to “seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” “These things . . .” is referring to all that God knows you need.
When we stand in awe of and trust the Creator more than the creatures He created, we can rest assured we will be blessed. Psalm 37:4* says that if you “delight yourself in the LORD . . . he will give you the desires of your heart.” Delighting in Him means to find pleasure in Him. This happens as we daily read our Bibles, pray our prayers, and fellowship with other believers.
Proverbs 3:6* says “in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”
We will then be better equipped to sift out those who are worth our time and take steps towards severing the ties to those who aren’t.
Here are some practical ways to apply this lesson:
- Pray for direction in your current relationship.
- Pray for peace and patience in your singlehood.
- Pray for a wise Godly woman to serve as your mentor.
- Look up, write down, and memorize scriptures* that remind you of God’s presence and promises.
- Do what He says to do. If you are unsure of what He is telling you to do, ask your mentor, pastor, trusted Christian friend, or counselor and do what God uses him or her to tell you to do.
The bottom line is this: rather than finding solace in the idea of being with another man, even a “good man,” –first, seek Him, delight in Him, acknowledge Him. In turn, He will bless you and direct you.
P.S. The National Domestic Violence Hotline number is 1-800-799-SAFE ;). If you need to, dial it!
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